Outside of myself

I’m so outside of myself today. My head is swimming. My heart is drowning in everything going on.

I need to stop being so bitter and biting. Everything is not about me. I need to get ahold of that.

I’m so afraid of love. I don’t even know if I know how to be in love after everything.

I find it hard to be accepted now as a friend when I am so used to being rejected before for reasons unknown to me. I don’t know how to reconcile who I was then with who I am now, and vice versa. I don’t know how to make sense of everything.

The fact that I actually went through such a horrible time with Katie dying is hitting me now. Even now it’s still pretty surreal to me.

Life is hard, but life is beautiful, and I don’t know how to reconcile these two worldviews swimming behind my eyes.

I need to cry. I need a good cry. And I have so many things to cry about but the last thing I want to do is break down and be a wuss and make a scene.

I just want things to be acknowledged that everything was f’ed up for some reason or another. And I don’t want to consistently have to be the one saying, Hey, this sucked and it’s not just my fault. Maybe some of it was, but even so. I just want an apology and an acknowledgement that that whole ordeal was hell.

Oh, there’s probably more. But hey. You know.

I don’t want pity. I just want to cry.