Double standards are the new black

I’m really tired of hypocrisy and double standards.

Outside of myself

I’m so outside of myself today. My head is swimming. My heart is drowning in everything going on.

I need to stop being so bitter and biting. Everything is not about me. I need to get ahold of that.

I’m so afraid of love. I don’t even know if I know how to be in love after everything.

I find it hard to be accepted now as a friend when I am so used to being rejected before for reasons unknown to me. I don’t know how to reconcile who I was then with who I am now, and vice versa. I don’t know how to make sense of everything.

The fact that I actually went through such a horrible time with Katie dying is hitting me now. Even now it’s still pretty surreal to me.

Life is hard, but life is beautiful, and I don’t know how to reconcile these two worldviews swimming behind my eyes.

I need to cry. I need a good cry. And I have so many things to cry about but the last thing I want to do is break down and be a wuss and make a scene.

I just want things to be acknowledged that everything was f’ed up for some reason or another. And I don’t want to consistently have to be the one saying, Hey, this sucked and it’s not just my fault. Maybe some of it was, but even so. I just want an apology and an acknowledgement that that whole ordeal was hell.

Oh, there’s probably more. But hey. You know.

I don’t want pity. I just want to cry.

He has sung over me

I’ve been through a lot in life. We all have. I don’t ask for sympathy or pity, I just acknowledge that things happen.

For summer min this year we have been doing devotions and one of the verses that was in there for one day was Zephaniah 3:17.

For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.

God has sung over me, and I have been blessed.

“And Life Will Glow”

Wrote this for my college’s newspaper. Should come out in two weeks. Enjoy!

PostSecret was first unveiled as an experimental community art project in October 2004. The founder, Frank Warren, encouraged people to send in their secrets on postcards. He would then post a selection of secrets on his blog every Sunday. Now, more than four years after its creation, PostSecret has been featured in a music video (All American Rejects’ “Dirty Little Secret”), the blog has been rated as the third most popular on the Internet by New York Magazine, there is a traveling art gallery of PostSecrets, a speaking tour featuring Frank Warren, and four books of other people’s secrets have been released, with a new one debuting in October.

            The new PostSecret book, entitled Confessions on Life, Death & God, is a book that is eagerly awaited by PostSecret fans as it has been two years since a book by Frank Warren has been released. However, this upcoming book promises to be different, as its subject revolves around faith and religion, something that many PostSecrets touch on every week. Although PostSecret fans are extremely excited at the prospect of a new book, they seem to be undecided as to whether or not they are completely supportive of the subject. The PostSecret community discussion boards are full of arguments regarding how appropriate a PostSecret book regarding faith is. Some fans find it downright offensive and others believe that emphasizing the word God in the book’s title alienates would-be readers and fans. Others, however, are excited at the concept of making faith and religion a focal point of a PostSecret book as they believe that many people all over the world struggle with these subjects.

            Some may question the hype. A book? Based off of a website? Of other people’s (sometimes questionable and offensive) secrets? Although some may misunderstand the interest that some fans have as a rude desire to know of others’ problems, fans of the site and books claim that they are drawn into the PostSecret community by the feeling of acceptance and dignity that founder Frank Warren was hoping to create. Many people send in secrets on postcards that they are ashamed of but find a sense of closure in sending in their secret. As chaplain Corey MacPherson stated in a recent chapel service that briefly touched on the subject of PostSecret, people long for redemption, and some people turn to PostSecret for that sense of belonging and confession that they so desire. Although it may be frowned upon by some, this community does bring an intense sense of healing to some. While the founder was hoping that his requests for secrets on postcards would create some sort of a stir, he never dreamed that it would become as popular as it has. According to an interview by Guy Kawasaki on his blog in October 2007, Warren feels that he has simply stumbled upon something great.

            Interestingly enough, Confessions on Life, Death & God is not actually finished yet. There is a link on the PostSecret website to another site dedicated to the new book. On this new site, Warren encourages people to send in their secrets regarding, obviously, life, death, and God. In the video on the homepage Warren goes on to encourage any secret to be sent in. “It can be funny, sexual, soulful,” he tells people. “Send in anything as long as it’s true and it’s never been shared with anyone else before.” He acknowledges that sharing a secret with strangers is scary, but that the real impact is made when your secret is seen written down right before your very eyes. 

            Since PostSecret’s inception in 2004, there have been numerous articles and blog posts written, several fansites dedicated, a smattering of Facebook groups and applications created (of which the two main ones have a combined total of 403,237 members), and Frank Warren has even designed a Twitter page for PostSecret that is frequently updated (which has 30,202 followers), sometimes even with extra secrets not included on the actual PostSecret website.

            Many find hope and healing from sharing their secrets in postcard form, even, it seems, the founder himself. As stated on his Twitter homepage on March 21^st this year, Warren wrote, “My birthday wish today is that I could send a postcard back in time to my troubled younger self, ‘The shit will pass and life will glow.’”

 

            For more information on PostSecret, look up www.postsecret.blogspot.com and www.postsecretcommunity.com/lifedeathgod. Confessions on Life, Death & God will be released October 6^th, 2009.

 

The irony of an artistic soul

Along with the coming of Spring, there always wells up in me a desire to write. Something about how the sun falls across the landscapes I see, the smell of the fresh air (eh, as fresh as it can get just outside of Boston), the chattering amongst couples and friends, I just want to capture it in wordplay and write a book.

Images stir me. Which is probably why I love photography. For years and years I tried to convince myself that sounds were my medium, my tapestry, and although I love music and have quite enjoyed studying and performing it these past four years of college, images are what I love to capture. When I sing, I envision certain images to evoke emotion. When I dream, I dream in wordless colors. When I think of friends, I don’t think of the things they’ve said, but, rather, their bright smiles.

I long to write of these things, but words fail me. Sentence structures confuse me, and I often become frustrated at how slow the pace is.

But photography. Oh, photography. In this medium I find my artistic self emerge to create a story behind the eyes of those I see, a tale behind the sun across the land.

And yet. Here I am writing. Because I long to. Because Spring is finally here.

Ironic.

How cute.

Every day, I take the shuttle to the other campus to take either Math or Business Law classes. This morning, it was Business Law. Everything was fine and dandy. It was a nice morning out. I was wearing my cute red boots, and I felt energized and ready for class. And class was fine, and I was looking forward to the rest of my day as I stepped back onto the shuttle to come back to the main campus.

However, I made the poor decision to sit near “Nick”. Nick is that kid on campus, a freshman, who doesn’t shower, smells bad, yet still wears a suit jacket everywhere and an earpiece in his ear. He is not well-liked, but he is well-known as a bit of a douchebag, womanizer, and harasser. I had never encountered him much before, but my roommate has, and she has told me stories.

So, I’m sitting on the shuttle, minding my own business, when I overhear Nick chatting with the boy across the aisle about how where he works is so awesome because he doesn’t do any work for the entire eight hours that he’s there; all he does is sit in his boss’s office and discuss porn.

Oh, cool. Aren’t you awesome.

The kid across the aisle laughs. Apparently, porn is funny. Last I checked, it was a bit of a slave trade and a disgusting industry, but, hey, what do I know.

After snorting out some laughter, the boy across the aisle tells Nick that he’s going to be such an awesome politician. I don’t know why he said it. I can only assume it had something to do with the porn comment and the connotations of using and abusing women that goes along with that.

Nick went on to discuss drugs, to which he and the boy across the aisle are like, Oh, yeah, yeah, I confess, I’ve done it, I’ve done it.

Stupid freshmen. You are not amazing. Drugs make you stupid. Of which you are blatant examples.

But then, the conversation finds its way back to the idea of women and politics. And how Nick will be so good for it. And then Nick says, “Yeah, but because I’m a lawyer, I won’t be able to have any interns. I’ll just have to settle for my secretaries.”

Really, Nick, really?

The kid across the aisle snorts again, and makes some snide comment about how Nick likes women too much. And Nick responds, quite wittily, “No, I just like anything with legs.”

Are you serious.

I don’t go to Christian school to hear some loser discuss what a womanizing jerk he is. I don’t ride the shuttle to hear about how he plans on having sex with every secretary he ever has. I don’t PAY $30,000 PER YEAR TO LISTEN TO SOME DOUCHEBAG GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW HE’S SO COOL BECAUSE HE LOOKS AT PORN AND WANTS TO DO ANYTHING THAT WALKS.

What happened to gentlemen? What happened to laying your coat in the street so a girl doesn’t have to walk in a puddle, and holding open the door for a woman when she is walking through? Porn is disgusting. Womanizing is equally as gross. TALKING ABOUT IT OPENLY IN A PUBLIC PLACE IS DISTASTEFUL AND ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

Just thought I’d let you know, Nick. Next time please THINK (if you are actually capable) before you open your mouth to say how awesome you are.

Because, in the end, you’re rather a loser.

Thanks.

16

Didn’t end up going to New York after all. Really sad. But I do love the snow, so that’s nice.

I’m not usually one to keep up with Facebook or blog trends but I’ll just do the 16 Random Things about me questionnaire.

1. If I hear a song on a commercial that I like, I immediately check it out online and usually buy it on iTunes. Because of this, I have become fans of several artists that I never would have heard of without certain commercials. Right now, I really like “It’s a Beautiful Life” by Fisher, featured on the TLC commercial for 17 Kids and Counting. It’s great.

2. I think my favorite TV channel is TLC. I love most of the shows on there. Especially Jon and Kate + 8, What Not to Wear, and Little People, Big World.

3. I have a scar on my left hand that has been there since I was around six years old. The small plot of a front yard at my house used to be held in by railroad ties and I loved to jump off of them. One day, my mom kept telling me not to jump because it was unstable. Of course, being six, I didn’t listen. My sandal got caught on the wood and I scraped my hand down the wood while landing on my other hand. I had a big gash in my left hand. I wore gauze around it for days, and showed it off to all of my friends at school because I thought it would get me more attention. Lol.

4. I love Catholic Mass. I’m a Pentecostal Christian, and I don’t usually go to Mass, but when I do I really enjoy it. I think it’s in my Italian/Scottish blood.

5. Between the ages of 11 and 16, I was pretty obsessed with Hanson. Don’t judge.

6. When I was three years old, I took a field trip on the T with my preschool. I was standing on the yellow line near the very edge of the tracks while my preschool teachers warned me not to stand so close. Because I wasn’t listening to them (I was a very headstrong child), I fell in. They grabbed me out a few minutes before a train came, and told me not to tell my mom. I told my mom, and she had a fit because they weren’t taking proper care of me. I don’t stand anywhere near the yellow line anymore.

7. I am 99.9% sure that I am going to become a vegetarian after I come back from Europe (I’m only waiting until then because we’re not sure what we’ll be given to eat by our host houses and churches, and I don’t want to offend anyone). I’ve been contemplating it for awhile because of the health benefits, but after taking Living Issues with Severson this past semester, the ethics of vegetarianism really hit me. It takes 16 lbs of grain to get one lb of beef, 6 lbs of grain to get 1 pd of chicken, and 5 lbs of grain to get 1 lb of pork. These ratios were startling to me. I would rather be eating some of the grain and other things that grow out of the earth than involuntarily intaking 16 pounds of food that could go to feed all of the hungry and destitute people this world contains.

8. When my cousin Katie died, I listened to “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab over and over. Even now it’s the most played song in my iTunes.

9. I taught myself how to play the guitar when I was around 13 or 14. I don’t really play anymore and I miss it.

10. I’m not the best cook. I can cook certain things and they turn out alright. When I was younger, I used to make pancakes and the whole house would get smoky.

11. I have a huge passion for people and responsibility to others in my life. I don’t exactly know how this is going to play out in my life, but I’m hoping I can make an impact in people’s lives.

12. Both times that my mom was pregnant, I prayed for sisters because I didn’t like boys. And my prayers were answered.

13. All I would read when I was growing up was teen historical fiction, the Princess Diaries series, and books by Sarah Dessen.

14. I had many aspirations when I was younger in regards to what I wanted to be when I grew up. They ranged and switched and changed between an artist, a singer, a movie star, a music manager, an archaeologist, an author, and a teacher.

15. I didn’t date anyone until I went to college. Even now, getting towards the end of my college career, I have only dated two boys, one of which I am in a relationship with right now (he’s my best friend ).

16. I’m graduating from ENC in May. I’m equal parts overwhelmed, excited, nervous, and anxious about this.

Grades and stuff

So, it’s still looking like I’ll be getting up super early to leave for NY tomorrow. Even though the snow is coming down pretty hard now, it should be lighter tomorrow morning. So, getting up at the buttcrack of dawn. Awesome.

I got my grades for the semester, though!

Voice Lessons: A

Integrated Marketing Communications: A-

Principles of Management: A

Living Issues A

I know some of my professors bumped me up to straight As. And I’m so surprised at the A-. But I’ve never done so well in a semester, and I’m so happy.

It’s for sure that I’ve spent my whole life at sea…

To quote Death Cab (a band I quite enjoy),

It’s for sure that I’ve spent my whole life at sea. And I’m pushing age 73. And there’s only one place that was meant for me.

I love traveling. I don’t think I ever realized I had such a desire to travel until I realized what I do, what I have done, for years. I think it’s in my blood. My mother used to live in Puerto Rico. My grandfather was a merchant marine; he traveled everywhere.

When I was in that pre-teen/teen part of my life, my family and I always traveled everywhere. We loved roadtrips. We went to New Hampshire and New York and Rhode Island and Maine. Up and down the East Coast. Once we even took a roadtrip to Ohio.

For the past two summers, I’ve been on a summer min team, traveling all up and down the East Coast to churches and youth summer camps. We’ve gone from New Hampshire to Virginia and everywhere in between. I love traveling in a van. I love the end of each week and weekend, getting back into the van, going somewhere new. If someone asks me my favorite part of traveling on a summer min team, I’ll tell them that, aside from the actual ministry of it, I LOVE the van. That’s where you get to know your team. That’s where the best memories happen. The van is my favorite.

Two Januaries ago, I went to Europe on a missions trip/tour with my Chambers choir at ENC. It was fantastic. It was crazy and stressful and wonderful and one of the best decisions I have ever made. We went to Switzerland, England, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Austria, Holland, and France. It was great! I saw the Alps in Switzerland, walked around York in England (loved it), saw the Moors of Ireland, treked the Royal Mile in Scotland, toured the little shops of Germany, danced around the gardens in the Sound of Music in Austria, got food poisoning in Holland (but I had the sweetest host family!); and saw Versailles, the Eiffel Tower, ate in a cafe, toured the Louvre, and walked the Seine in France.  I loved it. I loved it all.

In 18 (!) days I’m going back to Europe with my choir. We’ll be in Romania, Bulgaria, Germany, Vienna, and Austria. We’ll be going to orphanages and singing in schools and town squares. I can’t wait. I love it. I love it all. Last time I went to Europe, I didn’t have a camera. This time, I will, and I’m so excited to bring back photos. If I bring back nothing but photographs, I will be happy.

I’m going to New York tomorrow, probably staying until Monday. Can’t wait.

Rawr

So, I’m super annoyed. And it’s no one’s fault, really, but it’s still just really irritating.

I’m supposed to be going to NYC this weekend to spend time with Andrew (my boyfriend) and his friends. I and his friends were planning on leaving Friday night. But, now, with the impending snowstorm, we might leave either tonight, tomorrow morning, or Saturday morning. Leaving tonight or Saturday morning would be ok. But leaving tomorrow morning would cause an issue because I need a ride to meet them at my college. My family only has one car and my mom would have to borrow the car from my dad, and she doesn’t want to drive tomorrow because of the snow. She’s doing everything she can, and I can just take the T to meet the girls at school, if worse comes to worst, but it’s just annoying.

I already feel like a nuisance. I feel like I’m making a bigger deal of this than it is, but I’m just irritated. I don’t want to back out. And I don’t want to have them come pick me up, because that is just ridiculous. We’ll see.

Also, I feel like my phone might be crapping out again. It’s not a great phone, but I’ve already gotten it replaced once. And I only just got it in May. Whatever.

Lol, this isn’t the happiest post. But I guess that’s what blogs are for.